Answers

What happened?

Why did you stop?

Where have you been?

Are you really back?

Are you here to stay?

I don’t know if it was the books or movies or just growing up as a member of the OA family but I was the girl with a plan. In Primary School, I was going to be an accountant. Not like my aunt, I was going to be better. I was going to be a chartered accountant. I enjoyed “doing” the books for my mother’s shop and counting the crumbled change that was picked out of my father’s pocket during laundry. What else could I possibly require for a bright future in accounting? It was meant to be.

In Junior Secondary School, I realized I wasn’t a numbers girl after all. I didn’t like business studies or any form of calculation based on imaginary money or maybe I just couldn’t get over the teacher’s tight pants. I transitioned out of numbers, I welcomed books and with them came the words.

Now words, I was good at. Leading the debate team, winning the Procter & Gamble “My First Time” essay, talking back to my housemistress – they never failed me. Words led me to Jackie Collins and birthed my vision to be the modern day Lucky Santangelo or at least a woman who could earn the respect and possibly, admiration of a Lucky Santangelo. That was the beginning of my law aspirations.

I was going to be a widely successful women’s rights lawyer, maybe win a Nobel Prize along the way. More importantly, I had to get my law degree from Harvard because if you were anything like me, you spent half your childhood thinking Harvard was Hogwarts. The fact that I had the grades to match helped propel this vision in an upward trajectory.

In 2010, I enrolled at The Pennsylvania State University for a Bsc in Psychology with a Business option and minors in Women’s Studies and Sociology. Not the Ivy-league I would have preferred but good enough till I took my place at Harvard law.

Years later as I’m sitting in the little Bound Brook library writing this, I can’t help but laugh at that girl. How naive was I? I read all those books, watched all those movies and learnt nothing; or maybe that was the problem, I read and watched too much. I made all these plans without factoring in “the storms of life”.

And storm it did. Thunder, hail, and lightning. Days turned into weeks, into months, into years. Everything I thought I knew about myself, about life was questioned. Nothing made sense anymore, I was lost. Family became strangers, friends kept at bay, lovers nowhere to be found. Every thing that could go wrong had gone wrong. Gone were the days of “the girl with a plan”.

All through this, I was mad at myself – for the dreams, the grand ambitions, believing everything I read/watched/heard. “Dream big” they said, “reach for the stars” they said. I wondered how different, easier, life would have been if I didn’t dream. Without these dreams whose far-fetched-ness kept me up night-after-night, would failure have been easier to accept? What becomes of my life? Will I make it? Is this it for me? Am I better off not seeing tomorrow? Should I just end it here? Do miracles exist? Night after night after night, those were the questions that turned a blissful sleeper into an insomniac.

I didn’t dare ask how.

To answer your questions, I’ve been dealing with life the best way I know how to. I stopped because I didn’t want to live a lie. I don’t know what the future holds, none of us do. It’s still raining, gets pretty heavy often but I know the storm is over (inserts imaginary R.Kelly emoji). So on this day which is a celebration of another year of life, I finish this post with a quote from one of my favorite poet:

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learnt about life: It goes on” -Robert Frost

Happy Birthday to me!

 

16 Comments

  • Nice. Life sure does go on and on and on. What matters most is the little impact we are able to make.

    “Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor. ” – Robert Frost

    So, Don’t Give Up!

  • Happy birthday again!!! Glad to see you back. Sorry about the storms you have braved; I’m proud that through these storms you have come out still willing to walk forward in the rain. Thanks for the privilege to share in the chapters of your story. Till then, we look forward to you making great strides in your rain boots in the drizzle, adorned in your umbrella when it pours, covered in your raincoat through the storm, and defying the hurricanes of destiny because victory is your norm.

  • This was a beautiful read, I’m not sure if you’re always this open but this was very relatable. I pray God gives you a clearer vision, and you continue to do your part and let Him do the rest. Be blessed always!

  • Happy birthday again, trendsetter!!! This was definitely a good read. Stay optimistic, believe in yourself, have faith in your abilities with a reasonable confidence in your powers and best believe you’ll be successful…. all the best!!

  • It’s amazing to see you grow into the women you’ve become. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable as it is a major aspect of success. Super proud of you Simi.

  • Happy Birthday! I’m glad you’re back and you’re keeping on through the storms.
    You’re definitely a woman of words (you told us a lot without really telling us much 😉)
    Looking forward to what you have in store.

  • Welcome back Simi and Happy Birthday!! I’m glad you’re back and I’m glad you didn’t give up. You’re a huge inspiration. 😘😘

  • This is awesome Simi! Haven’t seen you since 2010 but I feel so connected by reading this. It takes a certain degree of guts to write with such a high degree of honesty! Obviously, this isn’t the full story but we are here. We will keep reading story after story. Honestly, this is great. Don’t stop again. Every when it rains and pours, don’t stop again.

  • I really didn’t want it to end as I read on! Lovely read. I’ve also known myself to be the girl with the plan but right after leaving school, I learned and still learn everyday that it’s a step at a time and you don’t know everything. According to Michelle Obama- Your Future is your Education.
    Love you girl. Hang it there ❤️ And Happy Birthday

  • You smart ass Harvard girl! Dreams do come true so hang in there. In no time it’s all going to come correct ❤️❤️

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